Which part of life am I living now? What role am I playing? It feels I belong nowhere.
Because of my illness I’m not working for years now and lost myself searching for a new destination. A new purpose in my existence. I always felt I had a great future ahead of me, I worked hard to grow as a human being, learning the lessons of life. And than, at ones, my illness returned and everything I worked for was gone. Dreams disappeared like snow for the sun. At ones, I had to make new dreams, new future.
But how do you do that, knowing the only thing you are sure of is the pain returning every day. Tiredness doing nothing. Just because your body is exhausted fighting the disease.
Even though my husband, my brother and a lot of friends are telling me I have so much to offer… Even though people I meet are saying I am an inspiration… It doesn’t feel like that to me. And that… and nothing else… is what matters to me now. I dream of being healthy and that dream is an illusion I can’t let go of…
Believing in the future is important to every one of us. People who are ill and fighting just to survive an other day, they are fighting the sun against the snow. Sun will shine anyway… no matter what they do.
I am happy to have a man by my site, who I adore. To have no money problems. I am happy to live my life….
But how do I accept who I am, knowing I could be someone else without my disease…?
We have a dog who we adore. Her name is Viva. She is adopted from Sardinia and is our baby ever since. We don’t have children, so dogs are the most pressures ones we ever had. And we have had a few dogs over the years. You can see pictures of them below. We are proud of them all. You can’t imagine how much. They were perfect. Big, powerful dogs with nothing else in theirs body than love. Lots and lots of love.
Viva is our first small dog. To tell you the truth, we didn’t want to have a small dog to start with. But life decided otherwise and here we are… together with Viv we are a family of three.
Because she is a mix, Italian Greyhound and something else (no idea what breed), we have to put a jacket on her when she goes outside. A lot of people might think we do so because we like her to wear one. But nooo. We like her the most without clothing. She is a beauty on her own. But unfortunately, she freezes when it’s cold. Sooooo… I decided to make her jackets by my self. You can see some of them on this website, “dog fashion” and instagram “dogfashion_a_la_viva”. Since I make things for her… I started to really love it. It relaxes me a lot. I adore to have some time alone with my sewing machine. Now I make some stuff for me too! And occasionally something for my husband as well. We always match with Viva. That’s cute and fashionable. However, believe me, I’m not a fashionista, far from…
Model New York
If I say that I count the days to be spring again, I’m sure I’m not the only one. Meanwhile… let us be sunshines ourselves (right Carine Masure?).
I will tell you a secret, but this one, you must pass on… ok?
Years ago, I have read, that on difficult moments, moments you think it can’t get any worse, or if you have a lot of pain or something, well… on that moment you have to smile. And I mean not in your mind, your thoughts, noooo, I mean rally smile. Put attention on your mouth and smile. You don’t have to laugh historically, that’s not what I’m talking about. Just gently, but apparently… smile.
I swear to you, it works. It’s not gonna make your troubles go away, or cure you. But, you will see… it does fomenting to our mind. It makes you get an other perspective or so. I don’t know exactly, I can’t explain, and I don’t mind at all. For me it’s a manner to relax at that time. When I smile, I think automatically about nice memories, or something beautiful that has to come.
I hope a smile will work for you just as good on difficult moments. Sit down, put a smile on your face and relax for a while. It opens the world… it does for me.