My decision…

“I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions.” (S. Covey). So please, stop saying to me that I have become so strong by being ill. No, I am strong, because I made a decision to fight.

Some people…

Sometimes Facebook is a good thing. I have learned so many wonderful people. All of them with big hearts for animals. I can enjoy so many stunning pictures and stories. Thank you all for that.

But there is more… sometimes we met people and there is an instinct connection. Even if you never met in person. Anoeska is one of those women I “fell in love” with. Like it seems we have a lot in-common. Even our journey to beat pain is alike.

I would like to set Anoeska in spotlight, her and a lot of other women/men, who dear to tell their story to a totally stranger and doing that, a lifetime friendship starts.

Just to chat from time to time gives me some recognition. Knowing there is someone who understands me, because she/he, really listens. Because our stories are parallel and we feel each others pain and joyfulness. Because we are open te hear what is not necessary said.

For that… Facebook, thank you. Without you, no Anoeska 🙂

Tamara, Nadine, Sam, Carine… thank you girls for being there for me.

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Hope is a promise…

I always thought “hope” was such an overblown term, such a falsified feeling. Till now.

Now I know hope is the only thing keeping us going on during hard times. It really is. No one can say or do anything that will make you feel better if you are on the age. It is such a strong feeling inside. There is no better tomorrow, till hope comes around. Hope is a promise, a goal. Hope opens us to new possibilities.

My chronic illness is killing me inside. Past days I have had so much negative thoughts, dark emotions. I truly wished I could vanish. In silence and dignity.

I can’t live my life with the body I have. My life was not ment to be that kind of horror. It was supposed to be magical. Not a battle against pain and fatigue every single day. But it is and will always be like that for ever. And some period of times, I don’t have hope. At all. And if there is no hope, there is nothing…

And still. There is beauty around us. Helping each other to see that beauty is a wonderful thing. Going trough it together is even more wonderful. Hope is a key concept to see that beauty even though life is hard on you…

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Pain is real, but so is hope.

Don’t be a fool…

I think I will go nuts one of those days.

How come I need so much sleep? I simply can’t stay awake. It is because of the overwhelming fatigue I feel or the pain I can’t manage anymore. I was told that my body is tiered fighting illness I have. Day in, day out. All those years.

Eliminating toxic from medication makes me sweat. You can’t imagine how much I hate that.

And even when I sleep a day long and the day after too, I often wake up as tired as before. With body that hurts, just like before.

If I didn’t have good days in between, I would not be here anymore.

So if you see me smiling , being happy, enjoying life…

don’t be a fool.

Not all that’s shining, is made of clean gold.

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