Fire…

“I survived, because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me.”

Blog (4 of 6)

Many times I have had enough. Enough of pain I feel all the time. Enough of sleepless nights because of that. Enough of fatigue it brought with it.

But what choice do I have? I have to live, or end it. And ending living is not what I want. There is too much beauty around. Too much love next to me.

Very often darkness overshadows the light. But without darkness we don’t appreciate sparkling. And life isn’t fair at all. Can’t count the times I asked “why me?”. “Why little, innocent children?”. “Why good people?”

Do you know an answer for those questions? Can you help me out?

 

It hurts, but ok, I’m used to it…

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I feel horrific today. Again. Everything I can think of is painful. My muscles, my nails, my hair even. My body lives his own life, my head fights against it, but today wins the pain. Big time.

Most annoying is that I never can predict what day will come. Will it be a good one, or a painful one. Although pain never goes away, there are days I almost forget I feel it. Those days I can lift the world on my own. Today, regrettably, is not one of those days.

That’s the thing about pain… it demands to be felt.

Today I will just pretend to be ok… we will see what tomorrow brings…

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Is this my life…?

Which part of life am I living now? What role am I playing? It feels I belong nowhere.

Because of my illness I’m not working for years now and lost myself searching for a new destination. A new purpose in my existence. I always felt I had a great future ahead of me, I worked hard to grow as a human being, learning the lessons of life. And than, at ones, my illness returned and everything I worked for was gone. Dreams disappeared like snow for the sun. At ones, I had to make new dreams, new future.

But how do you do that, knowing the only thing you are sure of is the pain returning every day. Tiredness doing nothing. Just because your body is exhausted fighting the disease.

Even though my husband, my brother and a lot of friends are telling me I have so much to offer… Even though people I meet are saying I am an inspiration… It doesn’t feel like that to me. And that… and nothing else… is what matters to me now. I dream of being healthy and that dream is an illusion I can’t let go of…

Believing in the future is important to every one of us. People who are ill and fighting just to survive an other day, they are fighting the sun against the snow. Sun will shine anyway… no matter what they do.

I am happy to have a man by my site, who I adore. To have no money problems. I am happy to live my life….

But how do I accept who I am, knowing I could be someone else without my disease…?

me

My best friend…

Unwanted. My best friend is unwanted. He never listens to me when I ask him to go away. He always goes wherever I go. When I sit, he sits right next to me. When I sleep, he wants to sleep with me. He really doesn’t want to go away.

I met him when I was a little child. Years later, I moved from Poland to Belgium hoping my friend wouldn’t follow. But he dit. He always does.

It’s frustrating knowing he will be there till my last day on earth. I have other friends too, but sometimes my best friend is so enjoying, others just can’t stand him and leave me.

My best friend, named pain, is persistent. I hate to have a friend like that…

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