“I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions.” (S. Covey). So please, stop saying to me that I have become so strong by being ill. No, I am strong, because I made a decision to fight.
When there is no peace in your head
even when the world is quiet
even when the birds are singing and
the sun is shining bright…
When your heart is pumping every beat to your head…
there is no peace.
I think I will go nuts one of those days.
How come I need so much sleep? I simply can’t stay awake. It is because of the overwhelming fatigue I feel or the pain I can’t manage anymore. I was told that my body is tiered fighting illness I have. Day in, day out. All those years.
Eliminating toxic from medication makes me sweat. You can’t imagine how much I hate that.
And even when I sleep a day long and the day after too, I often wake up as tired as before. With body that hurts, just like before.
If I didn’t have good days in between, I would not be here anymore.
So if you see me smiling , being happy, enjoying life…
don’t be a fool.
Not all that’s shining, is made of clean gold.
Every single person with a chronic illness will tell you the same. Never say to me: You don’t look ill. Please, never do. It hurts in so many ways. No, it’s not a compliment at all. Most of really ill people will try their very best to hide it. To pretend to be normal. They will do everything in their power to not stand out.
Yes, I will smile as much as I can! Yes, I will do as much as possible with that little energy I have. Yes, I will wear high heals when my husband is with me to support me.
No, I won’t explain myself to you. Forget it.
I feel horrific today. Again. Everything I can think of is painful. My muscles, my nails, my hair even. My body lives his own life, my head fights against it, but today wins the pain. Big time.
Most annoying is that I never can predict what day will come. Will it be a good one, or a painful one. Although pain never goes away, there are days I almost forget I feel it. Those days I can lift the world on my own. Today, regrettably, is not one of those days.
That’s the thing about pain… it demands to be felt.
Today I will just pretend to be ok… we will see what tomorrow brings…