I always thought “hope” was such an overblown term, such a falsified feeling. Till now.
Now I know hope is the only thing keeping us going on during hard times. It really is. No one can say or do anything that will make you feel better if you are on the age. It is such a strong feeling inside. There is no better tomorrow, till hope comes around. Hope is a promise, a goal. Hope opens us to new possibilities.
My chronic illness is killing me inside. Past days I have had so much negative thoughts, dark emotions. I truly wished I could vanish. In silence and dignity.
I can’t live my life with the body I have. My life was not ment to be that kind of horror. It was supposed to be magical. Not a battle against pain and fatigue every single day. But it is and will always be like that for ever. And some period of times, I don’t have hope. At all. And if there is no hope, there is nothing…
And still. There is beauty around us. Helping each other to see that beauty is a wonderful thing. Going trough it together is even more wonderful. Hope is a key concept to see that beauty even though life is hard on you…
How come I need so much sleep? I simply can’t stay awake. It is because of the overwhelming fatigue I feel or the pain I can’t manage anymore. I was told that my body is tiered fighting illness I have. Day in, day out. All those years.
Eliminating toxic from medication makes me sweat. You can’t imagine how much I hate that.
And even when I sleep a day long and the day after too, I often wake up as tired as before. With body that hurts, just like before.
If I didn’t have good days in between, I would not be here anymore.
So if you see me smiling , being happy, enjoying life…
I feel horrific today. Again. Everything I can think of is painful. My muscles, my nails, my hair even. My body lives his own life, my head fights against it, but today wins the pain. Big time.
Most annoying is that I never can predict what day will come. Will it be a good one, or a painful one. Although pain never goes away, there are days I almost forget I feel it. Those days I can lift the world on my own. Today, regrettably, is not one of those days.
That’s the thing about pain… it demands to be felt.
Today I will just pretend to be ok… we will see what tomorrow brings…
Which part of life am I living now? What role am I playing? It feels I belong nowhere.
Because of my illness I’m not working for years now and lost myself searching for a new destination. A new purpose in my existence. I always felt I had a great future ahead of me, I worked hard to grow as a human being, learning the lessons of life. And than, at ones, my illness returned and everything I worked for was gone. Dreams disappeared like snow for the sun. At ones, I had to make new dreams, new future.
But how do you do that, knowing the only thing you are sure of is the pain returning every day. Tiredness doing nothing. Just because your body is exhausted fighting the disease.
Even though my husband, my brother and a lot of friends are telling me I have so much to offer… Even though people I meet are saying I am an inspiration… It doesn’t feel like that to me. And that… and nothing else… is what matters to me now. I dream of being healthy and that dream is an illusion I can’t let go of…
Believing in the future is important to every one of us. People who are ill and fighting just to survive an other day, they are fighting the sun against the snow. Sun will shine anyway… no matter what they do.
I am happy to have a man by my site, who I adore. To have no money problems. I am happy to live my life….
But how do I accept who I am, knowing I could be someone else without my disease…?