“I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions.” (S. Covey). So please, stop saying to me that I have become so strong by being ill. No, I am strong, because I made a decision to fight.
I found this picture on Pinterest… it says it all. A perfect view in my life.
Of course I’m exhausted. I battle my own body all day. Every day.
And some days… that’s even not enough 😦 Some days I just want to stop living… but then I know, it’s not living that I want to stop. It’s the pain, the fatigue I want out of my life.
I just want to enjoy simple things, like having a long , warm shower 😉
I always thought “hope” was such an overblown term, such a falsified feeling. Till now.
Now I know hope is the only thing keeping us going on during hard times. It really is. No one can say or do anything that will make you feel better if you are on the age. It is such a strong feeling inside. There is no better tomorrow, till hope comes around. Hope is a promise, a goal. Hope opens us to new possibilities.
My chronic illness is killing me inside. Past days I have had so much negative thoughts, dark emotions. I truly wished I could vanish. In silence and dignity.
I can’t live my life with the body I have. My life was not ment to be that kind of horror. It was supposed to be magical. Not a battle against pain and fatigue every single day. But it is and will always be like that for ever. And some period of times, I don’t have hope. At all. And if there is no hope, there is nothing…
And still. There is beauty around us. Helping each other to see that beauty is a wonderful thing. Going trough it together is even more wonderful. Hope is a key concept to see that beauty even though life is hard on you…
Pain is real, but so is hope.
I think I will go nuts one of those days.
How come I need so much sleep? I simply can’t stay awake. It is because of the overwhelming fatigue I feel or the pain I can’t manage anymore. I was told that my body is tiered fighting illness I have. Day in, day out. All those years.
Eliminating toxic from medication makes me sweat. You can’t imagine how much I hate that.
And even when I sleep a day long and the day after too, I often wake up as tired as before. With body that hurts, just like before.
If I didn’t have good days in between, I would not be here anymore.
So if you see me smiling , being happy, enjoying life…
don’t be a fool.
Not all that’s shining, is made of clean gold.
Every single person with a chronic illness will tell you the same. Never say to me: You don’t look ill. Please, never do. It hurts in so many ways. No, it’s not a compliment at all. Most of really ill people will try their very best to hide it. To pretend to be normal. They will do everything in their power to not stand out.
Yes, I will smile as much as I can! Yes, I will do as much as possible with that little energy I have. Yes, I will wear high heals when my husband is with me to support me.
No, I won’t explain myself to you. Forget it.